Fact: If you have an apartment that looks really cool, people will assume you’ve got the rest of your life more or less handled. Like, sure, you flake out on your friends more often than you see them, routinely drink a bottle of cheap Syrah by yourself and slide into ill-advised DMs, and you haven’t been home to visit your parents since the last time they bought you a plane ticket because they were legitimately starting to doubt whether or not you were alive or in a cult or something, but if you manage to get actual curtains on honest-to-god curtain rods, have more than two matching plates, and take out the mini-Everest of takeout boxes from your kitchen before people come over, your status as Someone Who Makes At Least Reasonably Sound Life Choices™ is unlikely to come under question.
But if you can’t manage to pull all of that together (it’s hard), you can do this one thing that will literally cover up whatever self-loathing micro-assaults you’re still subjecting your goals and aspirations to regularly: Get yourself an area rug.
Area rugs — you are now realizing because I’m totally right and you never thought about it until right now — are the single most perfect purchase for when you reach that point in life when you feel like you definitely should already have your shit together but you don’t but you realize that having a really dope area rug in your home is a shockingly effective lie. You know, that point.
With that in mind, here are a few (but not too many; growing up with the impression of innumerable options in life is what got you into this lackluster state of anxious stagnation, you garbage monster) rugs that fool anyone (maybe even you) into thinking you’ve totally got your shit together.
Transitional Persian Medallion Aqua Area Rug, $73
Well, look at this byoot. We’ve got two things that really ~work~ about this particular rug: 1) it’s already pre-worn in places (or, at least, appears to be worn in places; don’t let any fiber-measuring freaks into your very grown-up apartment to bust this lie) so if your roommates passes out in the SAME EXACT PLACE EVERY TIME SHE’S DRUNK, GINA, the worn spots won’t be as noticeable; and 2) the very busy print covers a multitude of spills.
Aurora Modern Geometric Abstract Brush Stroke Area Rug, $70
I mean, you could tell someone you commissioned this rug based on a painting you made. You could do that. I’m not going to tell you not to.
Safavieh California Shag Ivory Area Rug, $39
Just…ya know, stick it in a corner where no one ever walks, and where you never consume food or drinks, and where your “basically totally housebroken” dog can’t get to it. And then when someone comes over, move this shit to the square-ass middle of your living room, like, “Yeah, I have a white rug and it stays white. Clearly my credit score is immaculate.”
Modern Rug Squares Multi Geometric Area Rug, $70
It says, “I’m quirky and am a beacon of responsibility who is fully capable of raising a child if I had to, not that I want to, why, do you think we should have a baby? Haha yeah me either, I was totally kidding, unless you weren’t. Look at this rug!“
Home Dynamix Catalina HD1299-999 Polypropylene Area Rug, $55
The name of this rug alone is scary as fuck. We could just stop there. What non-adult do you know who fucks with words like “dynamix” or “catalina” or goddamn “polypropylene“? Right. Honestly, though, making someone feel like they’re in the waiting room of an oral surgeon’s office is actually an amazing way to convince anyone that you pay all of your bills in full and on time every month and also that you’re maybe a doctor who hates his wife.
Western Brown Cowhide Rug, $140
Umm, like they would give an overgrown lady-child who hasn’t been to the dentist in two years her own hunting license??? As visitors to your home bask and tread upon the hide of a once-living beast, there will be no doubt about you definitely are not stuck in a soul-crushing cycle wherein your nightly habit of drinking away the frustrations associated with mid-level career success that way underperforms your youthful expectations is the same nightly drinking habit that prevents you from progressing past it.
Safavieh Hudson Shag Collection Grey and Ivory Area Rug, $65
The thing about making your living room look as much like a popular Pinterest post as possible is that it will make everyone who beholds it so captivated by your extreme put-togetherness that no one will guess that you’re fairly certain that the illusion of infinite romantic options provided by countless dating apps and sites has crippled you to the point where you won’t ever be able to accept any one partner’s perfectly human flaws and forge a life together because you’ll be too hooked on the myth that a “perfect” person is always a mere swipe away. This smart little gem will put a lush layer of lies over the gnawing feeling that you’re going to die alone, or that you already are.
Original by Jessica Blankenship